“ Mastering the challenges of creating a stepfamily builds a unity and strength that nurtures the new marriage. ”
Stepfamily Life: Daily Challenges, Practical Solutions
Whether you are contemplating beginning a stepfamily or are already a member of a stepfamily you will undoubtedly discover that there are some fundamental differences between stepfamily life and life in a nuclear, first-time family. Initially these differences are likely to cause confusion, disappointment and tensions.
Currently 50-60% of first marriages end in divorce. Of these approximately 75% will remarry, with more than 60% of these remarriages ending in divorce. Experts predict that solidifying your stepfamily can take from 5-7 years. With that in mind, take a deep breath, pace yourself and seek support and education. Learning what to expect, understanding the difficulties you are facing and discovering how to adjust your expectations can be extremely helpful. Remember, healthy step families produce many successful children and happy couples.
HOW STEPFAMILIES ARE UNIQUE
It is important to acknowledge that stepfamilies are different from nuclear families. Recognizing these differences will be helpful both in establishing realistic expectations as well as validating and normalizing the experiences of stepfamily members.
- Stepfamilies all come about because of loss (divorce, death or abandonment). It is essential that the adults complete their grieving process and help children deal with their losses.
- In a stepfamily there is no shared history, which initially creates a situation where there is little or no family loyalty.
- The parent/child relationships in stepfamilies have a longer history than the couple relationship. This can create feelings of insecurity, competition and jealousy; for the stepparent this may lead to difficulty with issues related to acceptance and inclusion.
- All stepfamily members, children and adults, come with different expectations based on their previous family experience; these differences complicate the creation of the new family.
- The emotional climate in stepfamilies is often initially unexpectedly intense.
- Stepparents are often asked to assume a parental role before emotional ties and trust have developed and before they have sufficient parental status. This creates a particularly vulnerable situation for the new stepparent.
- Children in stepfamilies often belong to two households, with two or more sets of parenting styles and rules.
- There are many insider-outsider issues that come with the territory of two households joining forces.
- The absence of a legal relationship between stepparent and stepchildren may create logistical challenges and underscores the unique nature of the relationship.
- There is little societal or social support, understanding or recognition for stepfamilies; many existing attitudes and stereotypes are negative.
MYTHS ABOUT STEPFAMILIES
Few people grow up preparing to be part of a stepfamily. Most enter stepfamily life with little idea of what to expect, and those expectations they do bring are frequently based on experiences in nuclear families, fairy tales, what the media has offered us (The Brady Bunch, The Parent Trap) and hopes and dreams. The following are some common misunderstandings about stepfamily life:
- Myth...Stepfamilies develop and function like nuclear families.
- Myth...Stepchildren, especially those who are "non-residential", will not be a significant part of a new stepparent's life and marriage.
- Myth...All problems that arise are related to being in a stepfamily.
- Myth...Stepparents and stepchildren will love each other.
- Myth...Bonding between new family members will happen quickly.
- Myth...It is easier to be a part-time stepparent than a full-time stepparent.
- Myth...One can compensate for the pain which children experience as a result of divorce by "making it up to them" through indulgence.
The initial years of stepfamily development are notoriously stressful and often tumultuous. Some of the issues which arise include: rejection and exclusion, discipline and parenting differences, biological parents feeling "caught in the middle" trying to please everyone, jealousy and competition for attention, grief and longing for what has been lost and left behind, loyalty conflicts, lack of control, problems with a former spouse and finances.
WHAT WORKS?
- Develop and maintain a solid couple bond
- Learn to balance the needs of the family, the couple, the children and the individuals.
- Define the role of the stepparent.
- Resolve old grief.
- Assist children with their loyalty binds between parents.
- Shift slowly; keep some of the old and add some new rituals and traditions.
- Go for flexibility at the start and save cohesion and togetherness for later.
- Seek support; read, educate yourself and talk to others in stepfamilies; consider joining a support group or seeing a counselor.
- Remember, it is not divorce and remarriage that harm children—it is parental conflict.
- Cultivate a sense of humor!!
Despite the undeniable challenges, there are many opportunities for growth for all members of stepfamilies. Because second marriages are often based more on shared values between mature and experienced adults, there is greater likelihood of success in creating satisfying relationships. In addition, divorce and its inevitable pain often promote a strong motivation for personal development. Mastering the challenges of creating a stepfamily builds a unity and strength which nurtures the new marriage.
Because there are new adults present, children are exposed to multiple role models. The addition of new family and extended family members, coupled with living in multiple households, tends to promote flexibility and creativity which are useful when responding to the inevitable challenges and changes of life.
Appreciating the unique aspects of stepfamily life, being cognizant of the potentially harmful myths and stereotypes of stepfamilies, and educating oneself relative to the realities of stepfamily life and development can contribute to the healthy and successful creation of your new family.
Barbara Perlmutter, MSW was a member of the Women's Therapy Referral Service and a therapist in private practice in Seattle. She died in September 2007.
The above article expresses the opinions of the author and doesn't necessarily reflect the views of other members of the Women's Therapy Referral Service.