 ...with all these issues on or near the surface at this time of year, we have a great opportunity for healing, for discovering...that the love and comfort we've always wanted from others truly exists within ourselves.
In the Dr. Seuss book, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, there’s a lonely old character called the Grinch who hates Christmas. Every year he sits on his hilltop and looks down upon a town filled with seemingly happy, loving families who celebrate Christmas in happy, loving ways. One day he decides he just can’t take it any more and he devises a plan to stop Christmas from coming. The plan, of course, fails, but he discovers a sense of love inside himself that he’d never known before.
Many of us are estranged from our families, either through physical distance, childhood trauma, or through living a lifestyle our families don’t understand. Like the Grinch, we can feel very alone when it appears that “everyone else” has loving families with whom to spend the holidays. The media, our neighbors, even our friends, often portray the idea that everyone will be with people who love them, feed them and take care of them. There’s a part of us that longs for this kind of experience, which many of us never had.
When it appears that others have what we don’t have and it connects to a deep longing, the question comes up, “Why me?” All too often the inner answer to this question is, “Because I’m not good enough to be loved.” In this way, holiday aloneness can easily turn into shame: “There’s something inherently wrong with me or people would be loving me and feeding me this holiday.”
The shame is not usually a conscious thought. Many react to it unconsciously. Compulsive shopping, eating, drinking, working and many other compulsions and addictions reach their peak at the holidays. These can be attempts to soothe or blot out the pain of the shame. They may also be attempts to make oneself “good enough to be loved.” Most of us have heard or thought these things. “If I just look fabulous at the office party...” “If I just buy the perfect gift for my mother...” “If I just host the family gathering...”
The holidays are also a time of conscious or unconscious grief. Lost loved ones are missed. Traumatic holidays are remembered. Unrealized dreams are counted. The end of the year can bring regrets about goals yet unfulfilled. The days are dark and short. There’s a natural turning within to look at the dark aspects of ourselves and our lives. Yet our culture says we’re supposed to be happy and carefree at this time of year. When we find we can’t live up to that ideal, the shame can take hold.
With all these issues on or near the surface at this time of year, we have a great opportunity for healing, for discovering, like the Grinch, that the love and comfort we’ve always wanted from others truly exists within ourselves. Following are some suggestions for making the holidays a time of healing and renewal.
DECIDE HOW YOU REALLY WANT TO SPEND YOUR HOLIDAYS
Be careful of the tendency to do what others--and you--expect of you. The holidays are a time of great expectations from others. But they can be the most valuable time to reflect and renew yourself in whatever ways suit you best. Allow yourself to know, from a deep part of yourself, what’s best for you this holiday and give yourself permission to follow through with that, no matter what.
DO AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE
The more feelings begin to arise, the busier we often become. The increased level of activity can be an effort to contain feelings that we’re afraid could overwhelm us. Look at your list of things to do.
Ask yourself what’s really necessary and what you think you may be doing in order to make yourself “good enough to be loved.” Chances are you’ll find the list breaks down to be about half necessary items and the others attempts to compensate for some imagined inadequacies.
TAKE TIME TO GRIEVE
Give yourself some space to cry, write in a journal and/or perform a ritual related to a personal loss. If the feelings are too much to bear on your own, get help from a trusted friend or therapist.
GIVE YOURSELF A REALITY CHECK
If you are more alone than you’d like to be during the holidays and you’re feeling like you’re the “only one” who is, give yourself a reality check. Take a walk. You may see people eating dinner at Grandma’s house, but you will also see others walking alone. If you think about it, you can probably think of someone you know who is spending the holidays alone as well.
TREAT YOURSELF
Treat yourself to light and warmth to counteract the dark and cold. Light candles, turn on extra lamps, wrap yourself in warm blankets and soak in hot baths. Cook warm, soothing food and drink hot tea. But don’t indulge in too much sugar.
GIVE SOMETHING
Nothing opens the heart like giving. Even if you feel you have nothing to give, there are many ways you can contribute to others and to your own well-being. Offer positive thoughts for those who are suffering, pick up a piece of garbage in a public park, call someone who may be feeling lonely, give a cookie to the person who picks up your garbage.
GET HELP IF YOU NEED IT
If these suggestions don’t help or if your feelings seem to be overwhelming, you may benefit from extra support. A trusted friend, family member or therapist can help you move through the holidays with a greater sense of calm and purpose.
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